Monday, October 15, 2012

Celebrating Alex's 2nd Birthday!

A giddy precious bundle of giggles and squeals. That is my oldest daughter, Carli.  She bounded into my bed this morning as she does most every day, asking me to play 'Baby Kitten and Momma Cat'.  She gives me instructions on what to do for the Baby Kitten.

"Hug her with your paws, Momma Cat.  Give her kisses with your nose," she calls out from under the covers. 

I don't really want to play today but I do, she doesn't need to know that I am not myself today.  I'd love to hide and reflect in silence but that is never my life anyway so I shouldn't expect anything different.  I'd love to be invisible.  I don't want to minister today but Paul teaches that we must be ready in season and out of season. I am out of season today for sure but God knows, reaching out to another who is suffering is just what I need. I think I will go to Starbucks today. 

If I were really pressed to answer, the truth is I don't really know how I feel today.  I am not sad. There is, in my mind, nothing to be sad over.  Alex is happy, healthy, loved and perfectly adjusted to her life with her adoptive parents. That is exactly what I wanted for her.  Maybe I wish that I could be at her birthday party.  Although, at her party yesterday her family went around reminiscing about the day of her birth and the intricate part I played in it.  In a sense, I certainly was there. If not in body, in warm, heartfelt memories.   But I don't crave accolades so it isn't that either.

Maybe I miss her.  I don't really say that I miss her as much as I miss them.  I wish we would have met under different circumstances. I really love her parents. They are the kind of people I would want to get to know and spend time with.  Everything about them is the reason I chose them for her.  Naturally I would want her to be loved by people that I could easily love. 

I think I am saddened that our relationship has to have boundaries.  There is an invisible fence that I can't cross.  The trouble is, I don't know where the line is either. I just try not to cross it.  Not that anyone has warned me or reminded me that there is one.  I just understand that these kinds of relationships need them and I don't like it. 

This kind of relationship is new. New to me, new to the world out there.  No one knows how to feel about it, really. Maybe that is why I struggle. People ask me questions about it all the time, never knowing if they should ask or if they should ask for more information to satiate their inquisitiveness. 
There is always a careful dance of information asking coupled with a certain straining on the faces of those who dare to ask. Always looking like they are hungry for more but being afraid to ask.  Then there is the few who blurt out things they shouldn't.  I have to pause and instruct in those moments.  It would be easy to get offended but they don't know. 

1) No, you really don't know what you would do unless you are in the situation yourself.
2) You actually are capable of way more than you think.
3) Reality is not usually as bad as the awful, horrid scenarios you build in your head.
4) I didn't emotionally damage Carli (so far).
5) We are very open when we talk about Alex. It greatly reduces stereotypes and helps us all heal.
6) I don't have to make you understand why I made this decision and you don't have to "get it".

I am not in mourning. She's not dead!  She is happy, safe and all the good things you would want for your children.  I just don't see her every day.  If I had aborted her, I'd never see her at all. I'd never get to see the realization of her life and all the good things that she is.  I guess I'd have gone on with my life but I am doing that today.  I might have wondered "what if" or "if only" but I suppose those questions come up not matter what choice you make.  So what's the difference?  I'd have carried around the knowledge that I could have a child today but I ended that life for the sake of my own pride.  That was why I decided not to.  The idea that I would abort a baby simply because I didn't want to fess up to my parents, friends, family and in-laws left an abominable, selfish taste in my mouth.  No, I don't mourn this child. There is no reason to.  I made a choice to let her live even if that meant that I'd suffer. Sacrificing for your children. That is what a good mother does.  These girls will never know what I have endured for the sake of their future.  You're welcome. 

Feeling left out in some way?  I have said that before but I don't fully understand what I mean by that. If I had parented her I'd be back to working 60 hours a week again for Corporate America, trying to take over the universe one client at a time while my kids spent their little lives in Day Care, After Care, and Nana's house. Maybe they'd spend what little free time with me that I had while I tried to cover errands and grocery shopping but I'd be exhausted and out of patience, just longing to be left alone.  That is pretty much what it was like when it was just Carli and me and it was miserable.  With two it'd be worse.  I'd have more "stuff" to give them but who cares?  The stuff never made me happy. How could I expect that to take the place of me for them?  Left out? Left out of what?  I am more grateful that these girls don't have to endure rather than feel like I "coulda, woulda, shoulda."

In conclusion, I don't know how I feel I just know I don't feel happy but I still feel good about what I did.  I am happy that she was celebrated in such splendor by her family yesterday.  I am grateful that the memories of her adoption were so good for her family and that they wanted to share them with each other.  I am grateful that Carli is still a happy, funny little girl who feels secure in her relationship with her mother and in the love she has for her.   I love that I can work for myself and build something worthwhile so that I can be involved in Carli's life. I know she does too. My trial gets used every day to give life and hope to others. Who could complain about that?  There is good to think about.  I'll be okay but I would love a prayer if you think of me today.