Friday, September 21, 2012

Birthmother Superior

Coming off the stiletto heels of my debut speaking engagement in Atlanta at Together for Adoption's National Conference, I was welcomed that Monday morning to a flood of emails, tweets and requests to have me come and speak at other conferences and events. Of course that was exactly what I was hoping for. I even had a job offer at a local church thrown in as an added bonus.  Voila!  Even just the other day our ministry had its first 'ministry baby', a little precious named Christian came into the world and into the arms of his mother and expecting adoptive family.  You couldn't write a better script and gifted as I am, I only wish I'd be so creative as to make it up. Still, I felt some emotional pull inside.  Something was not quite right but I couldn't articulate the 'what' in "What's wrong?". 

As the week continued and I followed up on emails and calls for my attention, I shared and shared my vision some more.  Accolades, tears, and "atta girl"s flooded my ears and my heart. In a former life, I'd have sopped it up like a dry sponge but now I am not so anxious to soak in it.  There is a heaviness and a somber air around me. 

I finally figured out what it is.  I am unwittingly being attached to an ideal of something that isn't real.  I am sure it can be easy to hoist my clay feet onto a marble pedestal and call me blessed.  Please don't.  I am not courageous half as much as I am driven to deliver a message.  I have been given a great assignment and my job is to carry it out. The courage belongs to Him and so do the compliments.  I am a girl who got it wrong, screwed up and asked God to fix it.  He is the one who brought me through the pain, dried my tears and helped me see how something so destructive could be made into something amazingly beautiful.  I didn't put it together, I just marveled at the work and asked to have it.  I am not a gifted speaker. I've been given a voice by the One who needs the message said.  It is Him that says the words, I just yield my mouth and my mind.  The glory does not belong to me. 

I don't want to take hold of something that is not mine.   This is new.  I will make mistakes.  I might put my foot in my mouth as soon as someone pats me on the back.  In fact, I may do it tonight.  I am sharing my story and my vision for my ministry on "Pro-Life Friday".  It's a blog radio show that has featured such pro-life speakers such as Melissa Ohden, Abby Johnson and now me. 

Please tune in if you can at 6PM EDT:

1 comment:

  1. A brave and honest post, and best of all, surrendering your ministry and giving all glory to God! Looking forward to all He has in store for you as you seek to honor Him.