Friday, August 24, 2012

5 Things I Wish You Knew That I Would Probably Never Tell You

I recently viewed and distributed an article I found on Twitter entitled '10 Things A Birthmother Wishes You Knew' or something like that. I have seen this type of thing before and I am always curious to see if it matches up with things that I would have said if someone had asked me for my list. The article did have some well-taken points, although I bored with the wordiness as I often do with things grow a little long in the tooth. Still, it had me pondering a response.

Here is mine:

5 Things You Should Know That I Won't Tell You

1) You are always going to feel like the ideal parents to me.

Don't get me wrong, I know you are not perfect. If it's all the same to you, I'd just assume that you do make mistakes and not want to hear any examples. In some ways, picturing you both as the ideal is comforting to me. It is like a quilt on a stormy night. I tuck in and know that it will be okay if I just stay under it all snug and warm. I chose you and I have great reasons for doing so but we forged a spiritual, emotional connection above all else and I trust in that more than what I can see with my eyes.

2) I hope you don't always see me as a woman in a desperate circumstance.

We didn't meet under ideal circumstances, let's admit it. I was in a precarious situation and you were in a position to need to meet someone who met those qualifications. If I'd had my druthers, we'd have met under a completely different context but this was God's engineering not mine. Since our first meeting, a lot has changed and I think we can all agree it was for the better but I don't see you as the same people I once did. I see you as something much deeper and I hope you see me that way too. I was so much more than my situation then and I am even better now. I want you to see me for all that I am not just what I was at the time.

3) Sometimes I miss her.

There are moments where I ponder the "what ifs". I don't hang out there too long mind you but I do have times where I contemplate what it would be like if she were here with me. There are days that I miss her and to be honest, I miss you all just as much. We shared something so special in those days up to our departure from the hospital and to me it is a shame that we don't get to share as much of life as I'd want to since we have been through so much together. I love you all, I don't have any regrets. I am human and you will have to forgive me for being honest enough to say, she is a piece of me that I notice is missing on occasion.

4) There will never be enough communication.

You will never butt in or be an inconvenience in my life. I bloom over the pictures and emails of things you want to share with me and I like telling other people about your news and gushing over the latest things in your family milestones. Don't feel like you want to make sure I have my space or think I have moved on and don't want to hear from you as much. Nothing could be further from the truth. Our connection is what makes me feel safe in a lot of ways.

5) Our covenant is everything to me.

We promised a lot of things in those days before we left the hospital and I was counting on every word of it being true. No one can make us continue our relationship I am just counting on our word being our bond and hoping that we've built a relationship on love and trust since then. In a situation with trusting you with the one priceless thing I had, a child, I really need you to live up to that. Please remember what it took for me to place her in your arms.

In closing, I'd just like to add that it greatly pains me that 80% of all open adoptions close within the first two years. The majority of those closings are at the request, either verbal or not, of the adoptive parents. I know that not every relationship is possible to keep open and for lots of reasons but I am sure that we as an adoptive community can do much better than 20% honoring the covenant that was made. To learn more about open adoptions, I recommend a book "Open Adoption, Open Heart". You can find out more about their book and their work at:

4 The Love of Alex is in great need of support to spread our message to women facing a crisis pregnancy and meet the demand of getting information into the hands of professionals helping these women make a decision for their child. Please see our website: to make a donation.