Monday, August 22, 2011

Elijah's Bread

Even in the midst of absolute solitude and depleted of anything material, God provided for Elijah by sending bread to him with ravens.  He did that for me spiritually through the joyful emails I got from Kayla in their planning for a new baby girl in their lives.  In my times of emotional isolation from my family and friends and in my times of pain and rejection from Alex's father, I closed my eyes and thought of Kayla.  I remembered how it felt to plan for my own daughter, Carli.  I pictured in my mind how I poured over color schemes for her nursery, picked out story books to read to her and sat for hours in her rocking chair that I bought for her room.  I would rock back and forth and daydream about what it would be like to hold my sweet baby girl. I imagined Kayla doing the same thing. 

An email came to me within days of our meeting.  A note bursting with excitement as she told me about the patterns she'd picked out for Alex's nursery.  Her mother seemed to sew together the most adorable set from scratch in just minutes.  Pictures came in of the beautiful creation that Alex's grandmother made for her very first grandchild.  I thought of the loving care it took to make such a sweet decorative set of comforter, pillows, blankets and curtains with all the trimmings.  Cute little birdies adorned the fabric in a watermelon pink and chocolate brown with green accents.  I hadn't seen anything like it. It was an original, fearfully and wonderfully made just like the little baby I carried.  I read the emails a few times, browsed pictures, patted and rubbed my belly and told Alex what a beautiful room she'd have.  I told her how much she was loved by her family, even now and they didn't have the experience of living with her like I did.  It was food for my soul.

I accepted that I was a vessel.  A messenger to let a family know that a prayer had been answered. God had delivered, I was carrying their hopes and dreams for the future.  Alex was kicking me and moving around pretty often. I wondered how much she picked up on my emotions and it concerned me for her sense of well-being.  I wanted her to know that love surrounded her and she need not be afraid.  I didn't want to get attached to Alex.  She wouldn't be staying and I didn't want to make her upset so we just kept our conversation on what her family was up to.  I told her we'd just be hanging out together for a little while and that her mother couldn't wait to hold her.  I told her that her mom had been praying, longing for her.  I told her how kind and gentle her mom was and how proud I was of her dad.  I told her that her daddy was a baseball coach and that no doubt, he'd be teaching her what ever sport she'd fancy and would most likely be at every game cheering her on.  I could rest in peace knowing that they would be her parents.  The comfort rained over me. 

Strangely my daughter, Carli had very little if anything to say to me about my protruding belly.  I wanted to leave it to her to comment on but she seemed to avoid it.  She layed on it and sometimes would kiss it but she had nothing to share. I wondered what that meant so I let it be and waiting to see if anything would develop.  I was grateful for the peace that Carli seemed to have in her silence. 

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