Monday, August 8, 2011

The Dark Side

I wish I could tell you that everything was sunshine and roses from the moment I met Alex's parents.  I wanted things to go smoothly but there were forces at work who had other plans.  I knew what I was getting into. When you turn your back to the dark side, they tend to let you know how little they appreciate it.  The other thing I had to get my mind around was the the fact that sin does not happen in a vacuum and no matter what you do or how sincere your repentence, there will be casualties.  It is the same in every war.

I came back to the hotel, high on my experience in the coffee shop, to my silly little girl bundled up with Angel on the sofa at the condo.  They had just come back from their third trip to the splash park near the pool.  Carli's hair was still soggy from her afternoon of fun.  Her big sapphire-blue eyes smiled as wide as her lipstick rose grin.  I am always so impressed by how enthusiastically she can beam as she exclaims, "Mama!" when I come in the door.  I hugged Carli who had now hopped out of her spot to run up to me and hug my legs.  I heard the report of the good day that Angel and Carli had shared.  Angel asked very simple questions about the meeting, knowing that after Carli went to bed she'd get better details. 

I took Carli down to the park so I could watch her play at her behest and call my mother who had sent no less than 20 text messages the whole time I was gone.  I knew she was eager but I didn't want to be rude and start typing on my phone during our meeting time!  She picked it up on the first ring and started hammering me about why it had taken so long to get back to her when she only wanted to know if I was okay.  I pleaded my case but I was cut off by the barrage of questions that she rapid-fired at me about every last detail of their lives.  When the questions deteriorated to the ridiculous I got annoyed. It had been a long, emotional rollercoaster of a day and I was not appreciating her seeming lack of sensitivity to my state of mind.  "What is there denomination?" I heard.  I honestly didn't know and for what it was worth, I didn't care.  We had been over their statements of faith and spoke at length in letters, through counselors and now in person about where they were at spiritually.  Baptist, Pentecostal, Lutheran, who cares?  When I didn't know, I was berated as if I'd not given any thought at all to who I was about to place in the care of this child.

When my nerves and emotions got the better of me, I rose up and hissed like a cobra into the phone.  "I am sorry if this got a little too real for you today but this is my decision not yours!"  I didn't think I could stop myself from unloading on her so I cut the conversation short.  I felt so rejected by my mother for not considering me at all in the conversation.  Didn't she know the weight that this carried?  Why couldn't she be there for me emotionally?  I was grateful for Angel's company.  She was the gentle and encouraging sounding board when things with Mom got heated. 

Sorry to say that as far as my dad was concerned, he was MIA from this whole experience.  My first encounter with him on hearing my unplanned news was that I was an embarrassment and a disappointment.  The second was just a text message that he loved me.  I felt better when I received that but when you cut someone with your words, no amount of smoothing over is going to erase the scar it leaves.  I only have comfort in knowing that my Heavenly Father was there to hold me and tell me that it wasn't true.  He was proud of my bravery in what He'd ordained for my life.  I clung to that with all that I could in the moments where the enemy wanted to make me 'not good enough' and thing of shame.

What could have been a very joyous day ended in frustration and anxiety over how I would get through this with my family opposing me.  I dreaded the thought of having to fight them with every breath until the day she was born but I was willing to do it if God was on my side. 

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