Friday, July 8, 2011

Decision Points

My first order of business was to tell my mom what was going on.  I had been away in Florida and Mother's ESP told her something was not right with me but she couldn't get me to tell her what.  I was ashamed.  Uttering the words would make it real and then I would have to map out a course of action.  The more I avoided being in a position to have to explain things the more heated it got with me and mom.  Calls were ending with hang-ups after screaming matches only to continue with a volley of text messages.  I tensed every time the phone rang, praying it wasn't her. 

I had somehow thought that since I was out of sight that perhaps I could just live out this pregnancy in secret, have this baby and come back like nothing happened but the pain of keeping the secret in addition to the prospect of no one supporting me felt like a worse hell than the one I was already in.  The worse place to be when you are in this situation is alone with no one to lean on and no one to talk to about it.  There were many sad days.  I just wanted to wake up, notice the time and say, "Wow!  What a dream!" but this was the real deal.  My growing belly didn't let me forget. 

I called my mom and calmly explained the situation and what my decision was.  She quietly respected my plan for the baby and asked how I planned to go about it.  I had done some casual internet searches for Christian adoption providers but I hadn't made any contacts.  Now that I was being asked, I had to reach out.  At first I was unsure of how to do that.  Email? How long would it take to hear back?  Call?  What was I going to say? 

"Hi, my name is Brittany.  I am a Widow, Mother of one, and pregnant.  I am a Christian, I really am, and I am not some half-baked loser who can't get her act together, no really..." 

I felt like I had lost my title of being a Christian mother by being in the mess I was in.  Christians get themselves into something like this?  Yes, they do.  We all fall down.  No one is immune to making bad decisions.  It is in how we reconcile and move forward that matters.  I got anxiety pangs over what would happen when my belly wouldn't allow me to be quiet any more and I'd have to share my plight with my church friends that I'd made in Key West.  Would they still accept me?  I'd have no choice but to find out.  The fear of rejection gripped me.  There was no return from here, I had to cling to the truth of my decision and stand behind that, no matter what people thought.

I spoke to someone at http://www.nightlight.org/ and she was very kind and helpful but the closest office was in South Carolina which was too far for me to travel back and forth from.  She recommended Bethany Christian Services http://www.bethany.org/ which was larger and had locations in Florida.  It took me two days to get up the nerve to try again.  I called one afternoon and got a lovely woman on the phone who took my information and told me that I would be assigned a counselor to walk me through the process.  The reassurance of a counselor, or better yet, angel in disguise to help me with this ordeal was like being wrapped in towel that has just come out of the dryer.  My shoulders relaxed and I waited to hear back.

There are many adoption agencies and services.  My advice is to research what you would like for your child and do your homework on which agencies in your area best match your ideals.  You don't have to work with the first one that calls you back.  Find one that feels right to you and is responsive to your needs.  Most importantly work with a counselor who listens.  Don't be afraid to ask for a new one if the person your working with isn't giving you the support you are looking for. 

No comments:

Post a Comment